Surrender for selfishness

I'm 27 years old and I have made something of myself, or at least that's what I told myself. I've spent the past five years in Mississippi trying to find "who I was" and "what" I was good at doing. Which meant, I've spent five years working 7-5, trying to put in as much work as possible and be better than everyone around me. It's the rat race of PR, the Capitol, and all those other lobbyist. 

I was good. I could have been great. I even got a complement one day, "Jeanetta, she's not like the other women lobbyist. She knows how to flirt with the line without being a whore." Yes, I was proud of that, but not as proud as when I stood up to the legislator after he told me all women are good for is fucking and fixining dinner. In truth, I didn't stand up, I smiled and nodded and let it go. Then I turned to everyone afterwards and told them "I don't cook and I sure as hell am not fucking you." I stood up to him....

My self proclaimed empire, my desire to be heard, my drive to be successful, and my competitive attidue to be the best. What happens when you walk away from that? Give it up freely? 

First you go into anger, because you DESERVED that. You EARNED it! 

Then you go into grieving, becuase what you EARNED is now LOST. It's gone. 

Then you go into depression, because what you LOST is who you USED to be.

Then you get axious, because you USED to be someone and now you have NO CLUE who you are. 

Then you end up HERE.... SURRENDER. 

I have been called the most selfish person and I have been called the least selfish person someone knows. It all makes me laugh, because everyone defines and meseaures selfishness by their own stick. I don't know what I am, but I know that I have been selfish. 

If you ask me what the opposite of selfishness is my first response would be giving, but that's just as selfish because it assumes you have something of yourself to give. Today, for me, the opposite of selfish is SURRENDER. When you willing lay everything down and give up yourSELF. 

I'm learning to do that a lot lately. It pretty much sucks... 

I am a woman who has spent so long finding her value in what she did, to now finding value in surrendering who she is. I am nobody. My name no longer carries any signficance. People do not know me, nor do they have a reason to. I am simple the granddaughter. Sometimes I'm the unwanted granddaughter. 

Part of laying down the self means that I must lay down my pride. Part of surrender means sitting in the window seat with my Grammer watching the squirrels chase each other in the grass. Today, surrender meant going to the stuffy church I have always been so against, and get introduced as "have you met my granddaughter?" Today, I am wanted. Today, I didn't have to fight to help. Today, I will give up my desires for connection, my need for community, my hope for what's next and rest in the pew next to my grandmother as she fills in her blanks in the church bullitin. 

I am the granddaughter and I surrender today. 

The first step

I am determined that it starts with one step. It starts when we finally get enough courage to make a move in the direction we have been dreaming but never done anything about.

I am tired of being the youngest with the least amount of ambition. I am tired of entering into conversations and wondering how people got to be so smart, because I could never talk like they do. I am tired of looking at athletes and wondering how in the world they have the energy to finish the race. I am tired of watching and determined to do.

I am convinced that this city, these people, this generation, that I am better than this. I don't know where this journey will lead but as William Danforth said "Life has to be lived, the fields have to be plowed, but it's the way you live it and the way you plow that count in the long run."

Many of you may have seen the signs around the city for Marathon Makeover. Its a group that takes all types of people that had a dream but never made a step and shows them they can do it. I have decided that for the next forty weeks, I will train to for a marathon. I hope that during this time that not only will my physical body become motivated and in shape, but that I would dare myself mentally, socially, and spiritually.

In honor of the great Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., I ask that you begin to ask yourself the same and over these next forty weeks. . . I DARE YOU!

Impressions vs. Stereotypes

I have had my first taste of New York. It's amazing how many stereotypes we have that don't hold up when you put yourself in the real situation. I didn't get run over by all the mean New Yorkers, people did talk to me, and it wasn't bitter cold all the time. I did notice, I've never seen so many stylish and well dressed people in one place in my life.

On our way back to the airport, I struck up a conversation with our Taxi driver. Who informed me to "own" the taxi number it cost around $60,000, which sealed the deal for me in believing that NY is by far the most expensive place in the US. I payed 20 bucks for a hamburger that wasn't even that good. . .

I know that NY is more expensive and busier than other cities, but my Taxi driver didn't. All he knew of America was New York. When I told him that Mississippi was extremely different than NY, while I thought it was funny and most would comment on the obviousness of that comment, he was intrigued and didn't believe me.

At that moment I realized the power of impressions, it's so much more than a stereotype. I can only view India through his eyes and his stories, because I've never experienced it for myself. He could only picture America as New York because that's all he's seen.

When you represent something, a business, a belief, or an organization, people only have your eyes and stories to create an impression. If you don't make the effort to become the author of that impression, they will create a stereotype for you.

I'd rather leave a valuable impression, than help create a negative stereotype.

a new direction

Do you know the million dollar question for a college graduate?

"What are you going to do with your life now?"

Now what? Now that I have a degree in something that sounded good at one point, but now realized that the degree is not a career. Maybe it's now that I have been to school and am suppose to be filled with theory and classroom knowledge.

I'm not bitter that I get to be put into the statistic of unemployed, unknowing college graduate. I'll be the first to admit, "I have no IDEA what I want to do." Do you know how many millions of options there are available? It can be a bit overwhelming at times. Some direction would be nice.

Especially of late, I feel like there is a giant disconnect from college and the big, scary rest of the world. Everyone talks about leaving college and entering the real world, what they don't tell you is that actually it's a 90 foot drop into confusion moving about 60 m.p.h. But you're ready right? You've got your diploma!

Someone told me once that a diploma is nothing but proof that you can actually finish something. At the time I laughed it off, but I'm suddenly realizing how true that is. Not that finishing something is that hard, it's the starting that really takes the courage.

Starting when everyone is moving 10x faster than you, and expects you to jump right in without hesitating can be cause for a "deer in the headlights" approach. Don't you realize that we (college graduates) don't know how to do the "real world." We didn't go to all those seminars on "what's next" or know to keep up with Godin's latest blog. HELLO . . . aren't we suppose to be trying to make a 4.o and joining the latest honor society to put on our resume, to get the perfect job.

Starting .... it's a new thing. Discovering what you want to do is a starting point. Letting go of the fear that I don't have to know what I'm going to do is a starting point. Waking up believing that you are capable is a starting point.

"Is this fear here to destroy me or to tell me to do something about it?"
- Immaculee Ilibagiza

So what are you going to do?

Home

I've been home for almost two weeks and every time I think about sitting down to write my last blog about Senegal I haven't been able to. I think for me saying that I'm back in the states puts a bit of finality on everything. I can't believe this thing I've been praying and preparing for over a year and a half has already come and gone. It's an amazing feeling to see something so divinely appointed by God end. It's a very rewarding.

Being back in America has been a challenge. The first week, I hid out in my parents house just trying to catch my breath. The culture is something so completely different I was really struggling to get my barrings. I've heard my whole life that America is just as much a mission field as anywhere else but I never fully understood what that meant until now. I'm having the same sense of overwhelming emotions I had when I first arrived at Senegal. I just look around and once again I see so much need. The prayer is now that God would direct me to see where I fit in His plan to meet the need.

I've had lots of folks ask me if I'm planning on going back or if I want to continue with missions. I love missions. It really is a life changing experience and I wouldn't trade my summer (good and bad) for anything in the world. God spoke so much to me and I feel like I grew in ways I never expected. I feel like the Lord said something very clear to me as I was trying to figure out how I could finish school quickly, raise more money, and get back to Senegal before some of my friends I made go on furlough. I saw the picture when Jesus told the those criticizing the woman for breaking the bottle of perfume and washing His feet instead of selling it and giving the money to the poor. Just like the poor will always be there so will missions. I can always go back. The need will never go away but, there are somethings that are here that will not always be here and I want to glean from what I have and be filled with the gifts the Lord has laid before me now. Then. . . who knows? =)

I just want to thank you all so much for your prayers and support this summer. It made such a world of difference knowing I had so many behind me. Blessings to you all!

Au Revoir!
Jeanetta

Bourifaye

I just spent ten days at my new favorite place in Senegal, Bourifaye Christian School. I left on the 29th and was very anxious about going at all. It was definitely a place that I would either love or hate and I was stuck there for 10 days regardless. The Lord, like he always is, was faithful. You'd think I'd stop getting surprised at this point.

A bit of a background on BCS, they have been in the location they are now for about 6 years (which is about 1 hour north of Dakar depending on traffic). They used to be in Southern Senegal but, when there was problems with the rebels and such they had to move. The school is filled with kids and staff from all over the world it's incredible. The school itself sits out in the middle of . . . mango fields and nothing else. There are a few villages near by.

I was so "fortunate" enough to get to BCS the night of the World Cup, Germany verses Spain. There were several Germans that are on staff and go to school at BCS and it was quiet an experience to watch this game with them.... actually it was kind of scary. Later, I found out that the Germans are very nice, even the ones that were screaming behind me.

I'm so glad that I got to go to BCS right at the end of term instead of the middle of the year. This way I got to see and help with the end of term production, and there was PLENTY to be done. I did everything from babysitting, paint sets, sew costumes, cook lunch for 65, proof read, and even managed to get a village visit in. It was great to get to know the kids throughout the week and then see them on stage and know better about who they are. They performed "The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe." For being such a small school it was fantastic!

I did get picked on relentlessly for they way I said water and cafeteria. I had dinner of at a couple's house who the father is Scottish and the mother is German, their daughter just stared at me all dinner and I thought she was going to start laughing. I finally asked her what was wrong and she said "you just say words so funny." By the end of the week I managed to say trousers instead of pants and football pitch instead of soccer field, that one was the hardest.

One of my favorite things about BCS is how diverse it is. I was sitting in a group of 7 people and there were 5 different countries represented. It was great during prayer time to have everyone pray in their own language. There were Germans, Scots, Brits, Brazilians, Portuguese, Koreans, Dutch, and even a few Americans. We were by far out numbered and it was GREAT! It really gave me a wider few of the body. God is moving an HUGE ways in all over the world. I sometimes forget how big God is. There are starting to be more missionaries sent out from Asia and Europe then England and America now. It was such a blessing to hear others stories about what God is doing in Portugal!

Some of the fun things I did while at BCS:
I fortunately managed to get out of refereeing a "football" game. I told Hieko that maybe it's not such a good idea to have an American woman who's only played about 6 games of soccer in her life referee.

Shopping in the vegetable market in Thies after it had just rained and praying that you didn't put your foot in the wrong place and go down in the mudslide.

Trying to explain to anyone who's not American what a pound cake is and then proceeding to make it 4x the recipe.

Lot's of new card games.

Getting over feeling old when called Auntie Jeanetta or Auntie J and suddenly sitting at a table full of woman and when we heard Auntie we all turn.

End of term pool party!

Falling in love with MK ministry.

Playing backstage runner for the production and getting to tell kids a million and one time "shhhh, be still, don't go on stage yet."

Getting to be a part of the baptisms on the beach.

Even though I was only there 10 days, I really had a hard time saying goodbye. Someone said to me while I was there "It's like you weren't really a visitor but a really short, short-timer." I was great to know that you can fit in to some places so easily. My friend Tracy, every moment she got, snuck in "Ya you like it here, so I'll see you in September." I tried to convince everyone that I had to finish my last year of "university." (My whole vocabulary is getting turned upside down).

I can honestly say that BCS has been one of my most favorite things I've done. I meet so many people that I can call my friends now. One thing a friend said to me was that as a missionary you are constantly saying goodbye to people. You could eventually get hard to that and begin closing off, except you would miss the incredible moments the Lord gives you to share in someone else's life. If I never see them again I'll just look forward to having a party with them in Heaven and am grateful for what they spoke into my life for that short time.

I'm winding down over here and starting to have my first few rounds of goodbyes. It's all been worth it!

jouer au football... HA!

I feel like I haven't stopped all week! I just finished VBS, which was a blast. I love playing with the kids. I now can't go to bed without having a VBS song playing through my head. "Jesus gives us the power to be brave... AHA!" Can you tell we did a power lab VBS.

We ended the week with Friday night youth group and ended up having Senegalese tea and watching a movie. We were all pretty zonked. I'm sure the kids parents loved us giving them "atire." Which has SO much sugar and caffeine in it. I'm thinking about taking some with me home for when I have finals.

Saturday morning the youth group and the VBS group all went to a orphanage near Dakar and shared the gospel by using the wordless book on a soccer ball (yellow stands for heaven, red stands for sin etc). Then we played soccer with the kids. These kids are incredible even the little toddlers play soccer. I how ever struggle as is to keep my feet coordinated, add the fact that the field is a giant desert and I'm done. I can't imagine seeing some of these kids on a grass soccer field, they'd be AMAZING!

I managed to find a friend and she was precious! She really just wanted to be held and I managed to get a few smiles out of her. After asking her name several times and only getting a nod, I contemplated naming her something myself. I mean they give me names, why not the other way around. . . Her name ended up being Prudence.

We planned on playing soccer, eating, and then being back by 4. Ya right! We were definitely on Senegalese time. We didn't even have lunch until 3:30 and it takes 2 hours to get home. It was fun eating lunch with them. All the sudden I looked around the room and there are lots of little circles of people, the food comes out on a big plate and your circle digs in. THANKFULLY, we they gave us "toubabs" spoons and we didn't have to use are hands.

Today, I'm heading off to Bourifaye, a British boarding school, where I'll be there until the 9th. I find it a little ironic that I'm spending the fourth of July with the people that we got our independence from. Funny how that works out.